Best. Song. Ever.

Standing firm on this stoney ground
The wind blows hard
Pulls these clothes around
I harbour all the same worries as most
The temptations to leave or to give up the ghost
I wrestle with an outlook on life
That shifts between darkness and shadowy light
I struggle with words for fear that they'll hear
But Orpheus sleeps on his back still dead to the world

Sunlight falls, my wings open wide
There's a beauty here I cannot deny
And bottles that tumble and crash on the stairs
Are just so many people I knew never cared
Down below on the wreck on the ship
Are a stronghold of pleasures I couldn't regret
But the baggage is swallowed up by the tide
As Orpheus keeps to his promise and stays by my side

Tell me, I've still a lot to learn
Understand, these fires never stop
Believe me, when this joke is tired of laughing
I will hear the promise of my Orpheus sing

Sleepers sleep as we row the boat
Just you the weather and I gave up hope
But all of the hurdles that fell in our laps
Were fuel for the fire and straw for our backs
Still the voices have stories to tell
Of the power struggles in heaven and hell
But we feel secure against such mighty dreams
As Orpheus sings of the promise tomorrow may bring

Tell me, I've still a lot to learn
Understand, these fires never stop
Please believe me, when this joke is tired of laughing
I will hear the promise of my Orpheus sing

---
"Orpheus"
David Sylvian

Getting my spine back

Will not and cannot accept the fibro. This is -my- life; I will not have it controlled by a syndrome. I am stronger than that. I am -high octane-, I am a shark--gotta keep moving or die. And I don't want to die. I have been delivered from the demon of suicide too many times to want to fool with that feeling.

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm taking a chance. But then I look at my mom and how she lives--full-throttle, open all the way, in spite of the damage done by chemo, and I think, I can do that. If she can, I can. I'm willing to deal with the consequences.

And the more I think and pray about my decision to -not- go to UNO and New Orleans, the better I feel. And strangely enough: I feel as though I have overcome my life-long fixation on NOLA. I still love it, no doubt, but it's no longer an overwhelming motivation.

And to think: just days ago, I thought I was going to lose my mind and pitch headlong into madness again. I was moments away from another breakdown. And now I feel truly that I am the master of my fate, commander of my will. Guided by God, beneath the stars, on the earth He created for his beloveds--there is much to live for, and time to live.

the wind is pushing me around

It's what I know

X-rays came back normal, which pretty much indicates that I have fibromyalgia. Wanted to be depressed about it, wanted to cry--but then I got over it. I'm tougher than that. I'm smarter than that. It's all about managing it, maintenance, planning, finding the limits. I can do that. I have a great family and great friends; I'm not alone. I'm not helpless. I am loved, and that makes all the difference in the world.

So I'll have to slow down a little. Is that really awful? No, it's not. Fibro is not degenerative; it's incurable, but it's not debilitating. It doesn't have to be debilitating. I'm young, I'm intelligent, and I have pharmaceuticals to help me manage. I have friends and family to help me. I have God.

Okay, so I'm in pain. It's bearable right now. I can keep it there, if I'm smart, and I'm smart. It's all about planning. Maintenance. Making careful choices. I can do that.

The fibro can become a non-issue, if I became adept at its management. I think I can do that.

After all, I'm not alone.