...two white horses in a line...
It's easy to lose perspective. Losing perspective is a dangerous thing - it's sometimes a motivating factor in suicide. Losing perspective is a catalyst to disorganized change; it opens a door to behaving in a ways we wouldn't usually act.
...some may say this might be your last farewell ride...
I've lost perspective. Not, it's not made me suicidal. Just...lethargic. Unappetized, if that makes sense. More restless than ever. Isolationist. Depressed. Disassociative, in the sense I feel disconnected from everything. The other night a friend of mine, who was recently very ill, asked me if I became an atheist when I was sick. He said he did a little, in a way - intellectually he didn't, of course, or in the sense of faith - but that for a while he didn't feel he believed in anything but the illness. He was sort of joking but not. I told him, truthfully, in a way I did, too, but only in the sense that the world shrinks to whatever room I'm confined to, and if something can't fit in that room, or isn't in that room, then it ceases to exist to me while I'm sick. People, concepts, distance, everything disappears.
I'm not sick now, as far as I know. But I was over the weekend. High fever, pain, severe fatigue, terrible nausea, loss of appetite, abdominal issues - like a stomach virus but not. This morning: still no appetite, but that might be the migraine talking. Same for the nausea. Fatigue - par for the course.
I sound fatalistic this morning, in the common usage of the world, rather than the religious. And I am sorry for that. I don't need comforting; this is the kind of misery that goes beyond hugs and binge drinking - it's a kind of crisis of the body and the mind: a failure to reconcile, or even try to reconcile. Most often they do, but sometimes they don't. This is the dark night of the soul; I know the morning is coming, but it seems so...alien, so irrelevant to the current state of things....I don't smell the morning roses...I can't. They aren't compatible with the current worldview, with the engaged filters.
I can work through this, and I will - I am. Letting it run its course. There's no reason to be sorry; no reason to regret. No reason to worry. Stand back, watch the wheels of the soul as they turn: it's a cycle, a tide, a season.
Where is your soul this morning?
