I'm pretty certain my mind has a rich inner life of which I am partially unaware. Sometimes swatches and snatches of that secret life wash up on the shore of my consciousness, and I marvel at the flotsam and jetsam: ragged ballgowns; half-burned manuscripts; empty wine bottles; fully-formed, self-sustaining creatures of mythology; self-aware manifestations of the fractured pieces of the Self; shining, gem-studded swords; indestructible laptops and iPods with limitless memory; portfolios of architectural design, of fashion designs, of interior design; love tokens; and letters conceived but never realized. And so much more - a Mardi Gras haul of fantasy, reality, and what-ifs.
Left to my own devices, I might would self-destruct, trying to bring these treasures fully into the world. I would probably destroy the life I'm living, too, given that certain aspects of my morality would go by the wayside, and the ferocity of my desire would inevitably repel those I love best. I often feel as though I am hair's breath away from doing that - losing control, tearing down that tight inner discipline, and doing something I've dreamed of doing, but couldn't honestly imagine doing: becoming a hedonist. Not to the degree of the Marquis de Sade, but certainly more than sufficiently to be truthfully called a hedonist. There's an epicurean tendency in me, to be sure, but my traditional Western spiritual values - and my intellectualism and ability to rationalize the potentially harmful side effects of epicureanism and hedonism - are stronger than that tendency. Which is sometimes disappointing.
*shakes head* It's hard to reconcile all aspects of the Self, all the impulses of the conscious mind and unconscious mind, the desires of the heart and the desires of the flesh.
Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like, what my life would be like, though, were I to divest myself of those things which keep in check the ferocity of my will and my desires....temptation is certainly insidious, sensual, sexy...and dangerous....
...and I still hear that dark laughter in the back of my mind, that dark voice that asks, "What if?"
