...has it come to this?...

...it's not as heavy as it seems...

spent most of the weekend, when i was driving around (especially when i was alone), with the windows down, the music loud, singing at the top of my lungs, and it made me feel better than i have in a long time. i know something's missing, but i'm not sure what. i know something's wrong, but i don't know what. it's on the tip of my tongue, on the cusp of realization.

it would be easy, easy, easy to fall into the trap of regret, of remorse, for breaking or losing or misplacing whatever element is that's left me feeling empty. it would be easy, easy, easy to put it down to age, to put it down to disappointment with where my life is now...but, with the exception of not living in New Orleans, my life is pretty awesome. i've never been a long-range thinker when it comes to my own life; my desires, my goals are simple. there was no need to plan long-range. and i still see no need to plan long-range; i've got mechanisms in place for retirement, etc.

when i was younger, i didn't think i'd live to this age: figured i'd eventually kill myself. either i'd find the courage or the right motivation and follow through. obviously that didn't happen, and it's not likely to happen, despite periodic moods of self-destruction. not to sound cliche, but i have so much to live for, and i do enjoy living. but believing that one would be dead, and planning was unnecessary, means that the habit didn't take, and i don't see long-range, other than practically - seldom emotionally, or psychologically, or whatever.

maybe i'm too moody for long-range planning. one way or the other, my path will take me Home; i am sure of this. maybe my husband's pagan fatalism is growing on me. maybe my existential leanings are growing again....

...turn mistakes into gold...

i don't really know what i want in life, beyond living in New Orleans, and traveling....gonna rise up, find my direction magnetically....i have the husband, the love; my family; wonderful friends; a steady job with just enough money. i don't know what else i need or want in life. my enduring worship of self-denial perhaps has compromised my ability to identify pleasures and desires, or, when i can recognize them, to admit them, ask for them, pursue them, or otherwise obtain them.

but this is life, yes? exploration, discovery, determination: to learn, about the world, about the self. to reach beyond despair into understanding, and through it, contentment.