....Any escape might help to smooth
The unattractive truth
But the suburbs have no charms to soothe
The restless dreams of youth...
At 30 I'm as restless as I was at 13. I know I've changed over the years. The soul is a dynamic construct and, if fed properly and often, will continue to be dynamic. And continued dynamism necessarily results in change. Not all the changes are good, nor are they all bad. Ideally there's a little bit of both.
At any rate, certain things about me have not changed, such as this persistent and life-long restlessness; my deep and abiding love of New Orleans; the introversion. I do not ask myself why do these things not change? I do not think there is an answer. If there is one, it is most certainly complicated.
And so I accept these facets of the Self. I try to thrive in their heat, rather than wilt. I try to derive some usable lesson or skill, rather than be defeated. I try to work with these impulses, rather than internalize them....
...but all that to really say: I am restless. And I am, as always, particularly restless for Home.
12.23.2008
...then as it was, then again it will be...
..well, she looks at you so coolly...and her eyes shine like the moon in the sea...
...on the wings of maybe, down in birds of prey...
...Kind of makes makes me feel sometimes
Didn't have to grow
We are eagles of one nest
The nest is in our soul...
What does it come down to? These questions, day in, day out. This loneliness. The confusion. The thought that my life is somewhere else...in a country where they turn back time...definitely not here, not in this stolen nest. I long for the nest of my soul, for Home.
I'm just restless. I'm always restless...just sometimes, it's worse than other times.
...to return to the center...
...and I knew...in the crystalline knowledge of you...drove me through the mountains...
There are so few things in life I am sure of. But far to the South is Home, and I know She waits for me; I am sure of that. I wish I understood why the City haunts me, but I don't; I just know that She does. I know that over the years the need for Her has not lessened. I know that over the years the only thing that has kept me from fleeing Home, kept me from disregarding all that I am beholden to, all that I owe - the only thing keeping me even now from forgetting all that I am and all that I have - is love. In the beginning, many years ago now, before I understood, before wisdom, my childish selfishness was angered by this thwarting....please, somebody won't you take me, to the City Beneath the Sea...I resented my life. I don't resent my life anymore; but wisdom begets sadness sometimes, and this is one of those cases...how long can I stay away?...keen is my love for the City, but keener is my love for the Beloveds.
...somewhere out in the back of your mind, comes your real life, and the life that you know....
This is life: the real life, and the life that you know. And very soon comes the life that I know. My regular, every day days are divided in two: the work day, which is what it is; and my day - the life at home, the life of the creative mind, the life with family and friends, the life with the Captain. Three times a year I am given the chance to live only The Life That I Know: Mardi Gras, our annual trip to Baltimore, and Christmas. Weekends are not long enough...though they afford me brief glimpses of what I am. But those three times a year - I live for them. And one is coming soon: Christmas break.
...she had heaven...she held on so tight...a man makes a picture...a moving picture...through the light projector he can see himself up close...
...I feel like I'm swimming out to her...midnight is where the day begins...
I'm not...depressed, so much as ponderous. I've made the mistake lately of talking too much, thinking too hard, and not sleeping enough. This flesh - it is a master, and a fickle, demanding one at that. I used to be a creature of the mind, always seemed to have been a creature whose life was lived in the mind. How do I balance that creature with this bones-and-blood one now?
...blame it on my wild heart....
Now I have time to consider these questions, time and the chance to breathe and sleep.
...a (wo)man dreams of leaving...but (s)he always stays behind...
...sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge: either of madness or enlightenment. Maybe both. But they both mean freedom.
...on the wings of maybe, down in birds of prey...
...Kind of makes makes me feel sometimes
Didn't have to grow
We are eagles of one nest
The nest is in our soul...
What does it come down to? These questions, day in, day out. This loneliness. The confusion. The thought that my life is somewhere else...in a country where they turn back time...definitely not here, not in this stolen nest. I long for the nest of my soul, for Home.
I'm just restless. I'm always restless...just sometimes, it's worse than other times.
...to return to the center...
...and I knew...in the crystalline knowledge of you...drove me through the mountains...
There are so few things in life I am sure of. But far to the South is Home, and I know She waits for me; I am sure of that. I wish I understood why the City haunts me, but I don't; I just know that She does. I know that over the years the need for Her has not lessened. I know that over the years the only thing that has kept me from fleeing Home, kept me from disregarding all that I am beholden to, all that I owe - the only thing keeping me even now from forgetting all that I am and all that I have - is love. In the beginning, many years ago now, before I understood, before wisdom, my childish selfishness was angered by this thwarting....please, somebody won't you take me, to the City Beneath the Sea...I resented my life. I don't resent my life anymore; but wisdom begets sadness sometimes, and this is one of those cases...how long can I stay away?...keen is my love for the City, but keener is my love for the Beloveds.
...somewhere out in the back of your mind, comes your real life, and the life that you know....
This is life: the real life, and the life that you know. And very soon comes the life that I know. My regular, every day days are divided in two: the work day, which is what it is; and my day - the life at home, the life of the creative mind, the life with family and friends, the life with the Captain. Three times a year I am given the chance to live only The Life That I Know: Mardi Gras, our annual trip to Baltimore, and Christmas. Weekends are not long enough...though they afford me brief glimpses of what I am. But those three times a year - I live for them. And one is coming soon: Christmas break.
...she had heaven...she held on so tight...a man makes a picture...a moving picture...through the light projector he can see himself up close...
...I feel like I'm swimming out to her...midnight is where the day begins...
I'm not...depressed, so much as ponderous. I've made the mistake lately of talking too much, thinking too hard, and not sleeping enough. This flesh - it is a master, and a fickle, demanding one at that. I used to be a creature of the mind, always seemed to have been a creature whose life was lived in the mind. How do I balance that creature with this bones-and-blood one now?
...blame it on my wild heart....
Now I have time to consider these questions, time and the chance to breathe and sleep.
...a (wo)man dreams of leaving...but (s)he always stays behind...
...sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge: either of madness or enlightenment. Maybe both. But they both mean freedom.
12.17.2008
...I'm a flash of light...
....I fly to hit the sky, flying so high, I look down at the sky...
So: due to budget cuts in the state, the UL system has frozen all vacant positions...including my supervisor's vacant position. >.<
Yes, I'm disappointed. Yes, I'm frustrated. But I accepted the news cheerfully, admitting that I expected as much. The Dean gave me no hope either way, and that's okay - he can't. The school has been asked to find $4 million, and until they decide how they're going to meet that, no hiring can be done.
One possibility, though, is that they'll hire me, and do away with my position. If they hire KC, though, then they'll be screwed - we'll be without a govdocs librarian, which is problematic in a depository library. I think my chances are better than hers - I have the raw required experience, and it could save them money to do away with my position. We'd only be down one librarian, officially, but we could function just fine. Carita, Dinah, and I ran this department for 2-3 years by ourselves and did a damn fine job. So it's doable.
But that means no movement, no action, no NOTHING until the school makes a decision. Which is...frustrating.
But it'll be okay. I still have a job, and Eric still has a job, and that's all good. We do alright together. :)
But it does make me want to cry - I was hoping to know something by the time the spring semester started. *sigh* I'll buck it, it's alright. I feel like they won't keep the position frozen, since it's essential personnel. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed. We shall see.
So: due to budget cuts in the state, the UL system has frozen all vacant positions...including my supervisor's vacant position. >.<
Yes, I'm disappointed. Yes, I'm frustrated. But I accepted the news cheerfully, admitting that I expected as much. The Dean gave me no hope either way, and that's okay - he can't. The school has been asked to find $4 million, and until they decide how they're going to meet that, no hiring can be done.
One possibility, though, is that they'll hire me, and do away with my position. If they hire KC, though, then they'll be screwed - we'll be without a govdocs librarian, which is problematic in a depository library. I think my chances are better than hers - I have the raw required experience, and it could save them money to do away with my position. We'd only be down one librarian, officially, but we could function just fine. Carita, Dinah, and I ran this department for 2-3 years by ourselves and did a damn fine job. So it's doable.
But that means no movement, no action, no NOTHING until the school makes a decision. Which is...frustrating.
But it'll be okay. I still have a job, and Eric still has a job, and that's all good. We do alright together. :)
But it does make me want to cry - I was hoping to know something by the time the spring semester started. *sigh* I'll buck it, it's alright. I feel like they won't keep the position frozen, since it's essential personnel. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed. We shall see.
12.02.2008
I was off-base, thankfully...
...I have non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. It's serious, but it's not THAT SERIOUS. Not like transplant serious, or meds serious. Not like my friend who has hep C and deals with the fact that liver transplant is a possibility. It's not a definite inevitability, but just a possibility. But that's bad enough in my mind. He contracted hep C from childhood blood transfusions. He's been very supportive of me and has had good advice since the beginning, and I am grateful for him.
...drop me head-first into the trees....
I applied for my supervisor's now-vacant position. I want it very much, but there are no guarantees in life, but that the sun will rise and set, as will the moon, and that death is inevitable. Pretty heavy stuff to associate with a job, I know, but I realize that there's a vague sense of dread in me - dread that I'm not good enough; that as much as I've overcome the fibro and dealt with the migraines and done the very best damn job I could in spite of the days I sometimes miss, my health issues, which I have worked hard to overcome and to not let slow me down, will in the end be my downfall; and that I'll be stuck in here, in this town, as a reference librarian the rest of my life, and that's a terrifying feeling.
Getting my supervisor's job will be change, a new challenge, something to enliven my life, and will open new opportunities. I need them - novelty keeps the blood fresh, the bones strong. And lest I go crazy waiting for the right ship to take me Home, I need something that justifies my remaining here, some piece of logic, a tidbit of reason that makes staying here obvious and appropriate. As well as a little balm for the soul that so desires to be Home, to finally be totally embraced by the City Beneath the Sea....
....sometimes I dream about places I've never been, because they don't exist. I'm nearing 30; I still daydream. My heart has some weight to it today - the man who saved my life nearly 20 years ago - in a November that has never fully faded from my mind - passed away this weekend. But for him I'd either be dead or institutionalized. Simple as that. And I can't help but mourn the passing of such a man, a great man in his own right...
...but it's not just that. My heart is heavy anyway - a keen sense, a ghost of mortality haunts me today, the age of my parents, of my beloved aunt and uncle, and the frailty of all whom I love...it's a passage in a book I unreasonably revisit. It's that morbidity in me, an Irish genetic predisposition to melancholy. I'm manic today, I can tell - sitting at my desk is not enough, working at my desk is not enough - I want to be out in the cold day, foaming and thriving, active, singing....not sitting at this desk (nice though it is, with the addition of a turquoise-colored foo dog and a little cloth owl perched on a real stick - a little sachet with googly eyes - to add to the cheer), silent, typing, thinking...
...it is almost 2pm. At 4pm I will go across the street to Starbucks to see my friend who works there. She is moving away, and I want to take her out for a meal before she leaves. She's moving back in 6-8 months, but I will miss seeing her. What began as a sense of familiarity born from my love affair with Starbucks and frequent visits grew into a genuine sense of warmth and mutual affection. She's a lovely girl, and she brightens my day, from her septum ring tucked safely up her nose, to her penchant for goth fashion discretely hid under Starbucks green-and-black, and the fantastic faces she makes. She first came to my attention because she's a doppleganger for my best friend who lives in Baltimore, and it was comforting to see her, because she made me think of Nadia...but she's become precious to me as her own person...
....I can't leave off looking under every leaf....
I came into this world singing, I think, in my soul, and it hasn't stopped yet, that singing, that resonance with the world, with the flesh of the earth, the bones of the sky, and water which is blood. I hear it all humming in music, humming in the trees, humming humming humming, and I am ever trying to nail down the lyrics, which are too subtle for these mortal ears, for the mortal years that lay on me lightly sometimes, heavily at others, but nevertheless outline the time I've spent wandering, roaming, and wondering, loving, writing, and yearning....
...drop me head-first into the trees....
I applied for my supervisor's now-vacant position. I want it very much, but there are no guarantees in life, but that the sun will rise and set, as will the moon, and that death is inevitable. Pretty heavy stuff to associate with a job, I know, but I realize that there's a vague sense of dread in me - dread that I'm not good enough; that as much as I've overcome the fibro and dealt with the migraines and done the very best damn job I could in spite of the days I sometimes miss, my health issues, which I have worked hard to overcome and to not let slow me down, will in the end be my downfall; and that I'll be stuck in here, in this town, as a reference librarian the rest of my life, and that's a terrifying feeling.
Getting my supervisor's job will be change, a new challenge, something to enliven my life, and will open new opportunities. I need them - novelty keeps the blood fresh, the bones strong. And lest I go crazy waiting for the right ship to take me Home, I need something that justifies my remaining here, some piece of logic, a tidbit of reason that makes staying here obvious and appropriate. As well as a little balm for the soul that so desires to be Home, to finally be totally embraced by the City Beneath the Sea....
....sometimes I dream about places I've never been, because they don't exist. I'm nearing 30; I still daydream. My heart has some weight to it today - the man who saved my life nearly 20 years ago - in a November that has never fully faded from my mind - passed away this weekend. But for him I'd either be dead or institutionalized. Simple as that. And I can't help but mourn the passing of such a man, a great man in his own right...
...but it's not just that. My heart is heavy anyway - a keen sense, a ghost of mortality haunts me today, the age of my parents, of my beloved aunt and uncle, and the frailty of all whom I love...it's a passage in a book I unreasonably revisit. It's that morbidity in me, an Irish genetic predisposition to melancholy. I'm manic today, I can tell - sitting at my desk is not enough, working at my desk is not enough - I want to be out in the cold day, foaming and thriving, active, singing....not sitting at this desk (nice though it is, with the addition of a turquoise-colored foo dog and a little cloth owl perched on a real stick - a little sachet with googly eyes - to add to the cheer), silent, typing, thinking...
...it is almost 2pm. At 4pm I will go across the street to Starbucks to see my friend who works there. She is moving away, and I want to take her out for a meal before she leaves. She's moving back in 6-8 months, but I will miss seeing her. What began as a sense of familiarity born from my love affair with Starbucks and frequent visits grew into a genuine sense of warmth and mutual affection. She's a lovely girl, and she brightens my day, from her septum ring tucked safely up her nose, to her penchant for goth fashion discretely hid under Starbucks green-and-black, and the fantastic faces she makes. She first came to my attention because she's a doppleganger for my best friend who lives in Baltimore, and it was comforting to see her, because she made me think of Nadia...but she's become precious to me as her own person...
....I can't leave off looking under every leaf....
I came into this world singing, I think, in my soul, and it hasn't stopped yet, that singing, that resonance with the world, with the flesh of the earth, the bones of the sky, and water which is blood. I hear it all humming in music, humming in the trees, humming humming humming, and I am ever trying to nail down the lyrics, which are too subtle for these mortal ears, for the mortal years that lay on me lightly sometimes, heavily at others, but nevertheless outline the time I've spent wandering, roaming, and wondering, loving, writing, and yearning....
10.14.2008
...thin line of an autumn morning...
Been sick, and in Baton Rouge for a week, at a conference.
I have a sinus infection. I did go to the doctor. They decided to run bloodwork, decided it was time to check my liver enzymes again. Results? My liver enzymes are extremely elevated. They're sending me to a gastroenterologist, they're concerned something might be wrong. I've been panicking since then, doing the wrong thing - checking MedlinePlus for possible explanations. Of course, I'm not medical doctor, have no medical training (except for the stuff I get by osmosis from my sister, brother-in-law, and cousins). My doctor won't say one way or the other what it could be, which is smart on her part. But it leaves me with the ability to self-diagnose and panic. I've settled on autoimmune hepatitis
or some type of thyroid disorder. Of course, I'm probably way off base, there's actually an alien living in my liver, but you know me - I'm a librarian, I have at my disposal certain resources. I'm dangerous.
So: my boss was offered and accepted the assistant dean position. I'm waiting for the next step - for them to announce her position open so I can apply for it.
Anyway, this will be my last post for a while. There's too much on my plate right now, and, quite frankly, I'm not dealing with it well (just ask the Captain). The only thing I know to do is loosen the straps and lighten the load. As much as I enjoy reading all my friends' posts and peaking into their lives, I have to cut out certain things in order to focus. I'll be back after the end of October, when almost everything is said and done.
You guys have a lovely day, and be sweet!
I have a sinus infection. I did go to the doctor. They decided to run bloodwork, decided it was time to check my liver enzymes again. Results? My liver enzymes are extremely elevated. They're sending me to a gastroenterologist, they're concerned something might be wrong. I've been panicking since then, doing the wrong thing - checking MedlinePlus for possible explanations. Of course, I'm not medical doctor, have no medical training (except for the stuff I get by osmosis from my sister, brother-in-law, and cousins). My doctor won't say one way or the other what it could be, which is smart on her part. But it leaves me with the ability to self-diagnose and panic. I've settled on autoimmune hepatitis
or some type of thyroid disorder. Of course, I'm probably way off base, there's actually an alien living in my liver, but you know me - I'm a librarian, I have at my disposal certain resources. I'm dangerous. So: my boss was offered and accepted the assistant dean position. I'm waiting for the next step - for them to announce her position open so I can apply for it.
Anyway, this will be my last post for a while. There's too much on my plate right now, and, quite frankly, I'm not dealing with it well (just ask the Captain). The only thing I know to do is loosen the straps and lighten the load. As much as I enjoy reading all my friends' posts and peaking into their lives, I have to cut out certain things in order to focus. I'll be back after the end of October, when almost everything is said and done.
You guys have a lovely day, and be sweet!
9.24.2008
...don't even hesitate...
Different font today, for a different feeling.
I'm compartmentalizing again; it helps me function when I'm feeling overwhelmed, like I am now. I know I'll get everything done that I want and need to get done, and that I'll get them done *well* - it's just the energy and the doubt and the OCD dragging me down.
So: the autumnal equinox has come, and gone. The South - Louisiana in particular - barely notices, since we engage in a little something Indian summer. Though, admittedly, when I left the library this afternoon in search of a cup of coffee, it was quite pleasant outside. There was a lovely breeze; the girl smoking while she talked on her cellphone made me smile, rather than annoy me. "Daddy, you wouldn't believe it! All these people..." was all I caught of her conversation, but it made me smile, and it made me homesick.
I wanted to go home this weekend, but my parents will be out of town, and the whole purpose of going home this weekend was to hang with my family. I shall postpone fulfillment of said desire until next weekend. I suppose it's just as well; I'm very busy and focused, and being in town will facilitate the likelihood of me coming into work this weekend to tighten up loose ends.
...I wish we were full into autumn, those brief few weeks we get down here. I want to feed the self-same restlessness I'm currently ignoring; I need to feel the change of seasons, to know that I'm still alive and functioning right.
I have to be so careful, for so many reasons. I have to not feel as deeply as I usually do; I have to focus my energies where they will not allow me to feel so deeply. I can't practice my usual habits; I must sing the song of discipline and stay on the path. I already know that I am physically compromised; it's not delusion or hypochondria or pessimism - it's the knowledge that my immune system sucks, and that I have inflammation in the back of my throat which is persisting - probably the beginning of a cold, which I can't afford to have right now...
...I'm losing focus. I'm starting to think too deeply and too hard about the tasks at hand, rather than just doing them. I'm going to stop right now, and focus. I can do this, I will do this.
I'm compartmentalizing again; it helps me function when I'm feeling overwhelmed, like I am now. I know I'll get everything done that I want and need to get done, and that I'll get them done *well* - it's just the energy and the doubt and the OCD dragging me down.
So: the autumnal equinox has come, and gone. The South - Louisiana in particular - barely notices, since we engage in a little something Indian summer. Though, admittedly, when I left the library this afternoon in search of a cup of coffee, it was quite pleasant outside. There was a lovely breeze; the girl smoking while she talked on her cellphone made me smile, rather than annoy me. "Daddy, you wouldn't believe it! All these people..." was all I caught of her conversation, but it made me smile, and it made me homesick.
I wanted to go home this weekend, but my parents will be out of town, and the whole purpose of going home this weekend was to hang with my family. I shall postpone fulfillment of said desire until next weekend. I suppose it's just as well; I'm very busy and focused, and being in town will facilitate the likelihood of me coming into work this weekend to tighten up loose ends.
...I wish we were full into autumn, those brief few weeks we get down here. I want to feed the self-same restlessness I'm currently ignoring; I need to feel the change of seasons, to know that I'm still alive and functioning right.
I have to be so careful, for so many reasons. I have to not feel as deeply as I usually do; I have to focus my energies where they will not allow me to feel so deeply. I can't practice my usual habits; I must sing the song of discipline and stay on the path. I already know that I am physically compromised; it's not delusion or hypochondria or pessimism - it's the knowledge that my immune system sucks, and that I have inflammation in the back of my throat which is persisting - probably the beginning of a cold, which I can't afford to have right now...
...I'm losing focus. I'm starting to think too deeply and too hard about the tasks at hand, rather than just doing them. I'm going to stop right now, and focus. I can do this, I will do this.
9.22.2008
...these hungry times...
Being Home was...wonderful, as always. It does something to my soul, which I can hardly relate in words. It heals all the little tears and scratches, and even the bigger gashes. No, it doesn't make the fibro pain go away...but it certainly doesn't matter that I hurt, when I'm being embraced by the Holy City.
I tried not to look back as we left the City, but I certainly offered Her a little prayer as we passed through (we stayed on the Elysian Fields side of the City), promised that soon I would come back and give Her more of my time, more of my attention, which was divided between the concert we went down there to attend, two friends I got to spend time with, and keeping the Captain in the right direction (he, like most folks, tends to get turned around down in the Quarter)...not to mention the pain. This flare-up is easing off, but between the travel, the hellish week I had last week, and...a myriad other everyday evils and concerns, it haunted me the whole time I was Home.
...but I was Home. Home. It's a liturgy, a love, and a secret, the shout of trumpets and the subtle hum of the River. There was so much burning in me while we there, so much I could feel myself wanting, so much I could envision having, doing - and, for a little while, I let myself forget the reality of the situation. Just for a little while - it never does me any good to forget for long.
We need to go back, if for no other reason than Christmas shopping. I have to go to Baton Rouge next month; perhaps I will persuade the Captain to come with, and we'll spend the weekend in New Orleans, by ourselves, and haunt the Holy City like pilgrims.
I tried not to look back as we left the City, but I certainly offered Her a little prayer as we passed through (we stayed on the Elysian Fields side of the City), promised that soon I would come back and give Her more of my time, more of my attention, which was divided between the concert we went down there to attend, two friends I got to spend time with, and keeping the Captain in the right direction (he, like most folks, tends to get turned around down in the Quarter)...not to mention the pain. This flare-up is easing off, but between the travel, the hellish week I had last week, and...a myriad other everyday evils and concerns, it haunted me the whole time I was Home.
...but I was Home. Home. It's a liturgy, a love, and a secret, the shout of trumpets and the subtle hum of the River. There was so much burning in me while we there, so much I could feel myself wanting, so much I could envision having, doing - and, for a little while, I let myself forget the reality of the situation. Just for a little while - it never does me any good to forget for long.
We need to go back, if for no other reason than Christmas shopping. I have to go to Baton Rouge next month; perhaps I will persuade the Captain to come with, and we'll spend the weekend in New Orleans, by ourselves, and haunt the Holy City like pilgrims.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)