...don't even hesitate...

Different font today, for a different feeling.

I'm compartmentalizing again; it helps me function when I'm feeling overwhelmed, like I am now. I know I'll get everything done that I want and need to get done, and that I'll get them done *well* - it's just the energy and the doubt and the OCD dragging me down.

So: the autumnal equinox has come, and gone. The South - Louisiana in particular - barely notices, since we engage in a little something Indian summer. Though, admittedly, when I left the library this afternoon in search of a cup of coffee, it was quite pleasant outside. There was a lovely breeze; the girl smoking while she talked on her cellphone made me smile, rather than annoy me. "Daddy, you wouldn't believe it! All these people..." was all I caught of her conversation, but it made me smile, and it made me homesick.

I wanted to go home this weekend, but my parents will be out of town, and the whole purpose of going home this weekend was to hang with my family. I shall postpone fulfillment of said desire until next weekend. I suppose it's just as well; I'm very busy and focused, and being in town will facilitate the likelihood of me coming into work this weekend to tighten up loose ends.

...I wish we were full into autumn, those brief few weeks we get down here. I want to feed the self-same restlessness I'm currently ignoring; I need to feel the change of seasons, to know that I'm still alive and functioning right.

I have to be so careful, for so many reasons. I have to not feel as deeply as I usually do; I have to focus my energies where they will not allow me to feel so deeply. I can't practice my usual habits; I must sing the song of discipline and stay on the path. I already know that I am physically compromised; it's not delusion or hypochondria or pessimism - it's the knowledge that my immune system sucks, and that I have inflammation in the back of my throat which is persisting - probably the beginning of a cold, which I can't afford to have right now...

...I'm losing focus. I'm starting to think too deeply and too hard about the tasks at hand, rather than just doing them. I'm going to stop right now, and focus. I can do this, I will do this.