...a quiet broken by talking...

...and coughing. One of my silliest pet peeves is that I can't stand the sounds of coughing or sneezing. It's ridiculous, I know, but there it is. Most of the time I just tune those sounds out, but this morning one of my co-workers - working at the other desk - is coughing her fool head off, and it's driving me so crazy, I don't know what to do. It's making me angry, which is so stupid; it's just coughing, but it's making me angry. She always seems to have a cold or a respiratory infection, and it makes me wonder. As far as I know, she doesn't smoke...it's weird.

I'm anxious, on edge. The prospect of interacting with people today seems almost unbearable. The prospect of interacting with my co-workers makes me feel tired. I have to teach this morning, and I am not looking forward to it, which is telling, as I always look forward to teaching. The rest of the day after that will be spent at my desk, and that's just fine; I can put on my headphones and tune out the world.

I'm just feeling crazy. How much of that is the aftermath of Lu's death and grieving for Lu, and how much of that is natural mania, and how much of that is something else, I don't know. And what that something else might be, I don't know. I've never been comfortable with the unknown, and right now that seems exacerbated. I would like nothing more in the world than to hide away in the convent in Assisi, and spend my days in meditation and rumination and solitude.

I've often said that if Eric ever died, I'd likely go into a convent. That sensibility passed away one day, several years ago, though I'm not sure why. This morning it has been resurrected, though whether that was some deliberate action on my part, or simply the longing of a heart and the aching of a mind that are simply shot from living, I don't know. I don't seem to know myself or understand my motivations anymore, and I find that troubling.

It will not happen today or tomorrow, but I look forward to getting back to the gym and getting on the treadmill and checking out for a while. To perhaps picking up the weights again and letting my mind go while I work out. I think the time has come for limited social engagements; not that I don't love my family and friends and enjoy their company - I still very much love them and their company - but the solitude I was able to have over the weekend had a very good effect on me, and I think I need to cultivate that goodness and find more of it. I need to lay the world down for a while, and do something else.