Having Kids

When my best friend from high school got pregnant, she spent the next few months, prior to my wedding, asking me if the husband and I were going to have kids. I told her I didn't know, and quite frankly, I still don't know. I did tell her we didn't plan to have kids right off the bat, 'cause we wanted to enjoy being married for a while before even pondering the idea. My parents thought that was a great idea, and they have been wonderful about not asking for grandkids.

I issued an edict a year or so ago that if I didn't have kids by the time I was 35, I wasn't going to have kids at all. After the age of 40 the chances of having children with problems (like Downs syndrome) increase. Not to mention all the hormonal inbalances that come with menopause that could potentially increase my chances of breast cancer. My mom's had breast cancer twice; has lost both breasts (radical mastectomies both times); and had to go through chemo both times. I'd rather not increase my already increased chances of breast cancer.

Lately, though, the husband has had dreams about me being pregnant, having a baby. Then last night I had a dream about being pregnant and having a baby. I woke up this morning with a certain kind of wistfulness about having a baby. I'm 26; there's still plenty of time before the 35 -year-old age cut-off. Financially we couldn't afford to have a baby right now, with the husband in school full-time, and me in grad school part-time.

I don't even know if I would make a good mom. I'm manic-depressive, obsessive-compulsive, and prone to long bouts of clinical depression. I've come to terms with these aspects of myself, as has the husband. We work around them. Can I be a mother, while contending with these aspects of my personality? Another question: spiritually speaking, I'm restless. Always have been. There is no true Home for me. I find a measure of peace in the husband; a measure of peace in certain cities (New Orleans, Memphis, Firenze, London, Assissi). Can a gypsy be settled enough to be a mother?

What will be the spiritual inheritance of my children? The metaphysical genetics that they will inevitably receive from their raggamuffin, passionate mother?