...to my blue world...

I turn to stone / when you comin' home / I can't go on

Still two steps away. I felt particularly close to self-enlightenment this weekend. It's exhilarating and frightening...and that admission may help carry me closer to uncovering how to mount those two final steps. I am afraid of what might happen when/if I conquer those steps. I don't know what the ramifications will be, nor what I will acquire or lose. Fear is a great deterrent to change, I know, but I can't help how I feel.

But this weekend, that fear somewhat abated. Don't know what it was, but it let go a little. I've spent the last two days flat on my back on the couch, trying to give my back a break (I've had a lot of pain the last few days), so I've had some time to ponder parts of this conundrum. I realized that I literally carry a lot of baggage around with me, and if I let go of some of it--i.e., threw some of that crap away--the physical act of ridding myself of things I don't need might motivate my self into moving past the spiritual/emotional baggage I'm lugging around.

I'm still afraid, but there's a taste of freedom in the whole situation that's intriguing enough to hold my attention to possibility and not let me forget how things used to be. I know I can't go back, but I can recreate the conditions necessary to find my way back to something resembling peace.