...don't even hesitate...

Different font today, for a different feeling.

I'm compartmentalizing again; it helps me function when I'm feeling overwhelmed, like I am now. I know I'll get everything done that I want and need to get done, and that I'll get them done *well* - it's just the energy and the doubt and the OCD dragging me down.

So: the autumnal equinox has come, and gone. The South - Louisiana in particular - barely notices, since we engage in a little something Indian summer. Though, admittedly, when I left the library this afternoon in search of a cup of coffee, it was quite pleasant outside. There was a lovely breeze; the girl smoking while she talked on her cellphone made me smile, rather than annoy me. "Daddy, you wouldn't believe it! All these people..." was all I caught of her conversation, but it made me smile, and it made me homesick.

I wanted to go home this weekend, but my parents will be out of town, and the whole purpose of going home this weekend was to hang with my family. I shall postpone fulfillment of said desire until next weekend. I suppose it's just as well; I'm very busy and focused, and being in town will facilitate the likelihood of me coming into work this weekend to tighten up loose ends.

...I wish we were full into autumn, those brief few weeks we get down here. I want to feed the self-same restlessness I'm currently ignoring; I need to feel the change of seasons, to know that I'm still alive and functioning right.

I have to be so careful, for so many reasons. I have to not feel as deeply as I usually do; I have to focus my energies where they will not allow me to feel so deeply. I can't practice my usual habits; I must sing the song of discipline and stay on the path. I already know that I am physically compromised; it's not delusion or hypochondria or pessimism - it's the knowledge that my immune system sucks, and that I have inflammation in the back of my throat which is persisting - probably the beginning of a cold, which I can't afford to have right now...

...I'm losing focus. I'm starting to think too deeply and too hard about the tasks at hand, rather than just doing them. I'm going to stop right now, and focus. I can do this, I will do this.

...these hungry times...

Being Home was...wonderful, as always. It does something to my soul, which I can hardly relate in words. It heals all the little tears and scratches, and even the bigger gashes. No, it doesn't make the fibro pain go away...but it certainly doesn't matter that I hurt, when I'm being embraced by the Holy City.

I tried not to look back as we left the City, but I certainly offered Her a little prayer as we passed through (we stayed on the Elysian Fields side of the City), promised that soon I would come back and give Her more of my time, more of my attention, which was divided between the concert we went down there to attend, two friends I got to spend time with, and keeping the Captain in the right direction (he, like most folks, tends to get turned around down in the Quarter)...not to mention the pain. This flare-up is easing off, but between the travel, the hellish week I had last week, and...a myriad other everyday evils and concerns, it haunted me the whole time I was Home.

...but I was Home. Home. It's a liturgy, a love, and a secret, the shout of trumpets and the subtle hum of the River. There was so much burning in me while we there, so much I could feel myself wanting, so much I could envision having, doing - and, for a little while, I let myself forget the reality of the situation. Just for a little while - it never does me any good to forget for long.

We need to go back, if for no other reason than Christmas shopping. I have to go to Baton Rouge next month; perhaps I will persuade the Captain to come with, and we'll spend the weekend in New Orleans, by ourselves, and haunt the Holy City like pilgrims.

Huh....never thought of it like that...

I serve on two committees that, predictably, jack up my blood pressure - Faculty Senate and the Library Webpages Committee. They have something in common which results in the rise in blood pressure: a variety of viewpoints. Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing; in fact, I think it's a great thing. It means we are to take into consideration multiple points of view in a forum situation, which helps us make well-informed and carefully thought-out plans, and we're able to cover our bases better.

But it also means that sometimes we have to (1) deal with personal agendas (it's not an issue on the webpages one, but it's been a big one in Senate), and (2) work extra hard to compromise yet still meet the needs of all the parties concerned/involved, which is, as you can imagine, pretty difficult.

Today in the webpages meeting, there was...drama. A mass meltdown of sorts. I won't talk about that here - I've already ranted elsewhere, and feel better. Also, I think we came to a better understanding of some of our issues, though it's lamentable that it happened the way it happened. What I want to consider here is something two of my colleagues said afterward that made me think.

One colleague said that she always felt it was...unfair that the reference department projected its aggression on me as the conduit for its expression, i.e., when the department is irritated about something, I'm the one that expresses it. I never really thought of it like that. I've just always felt that, because our department head isn't really an advocate for us as a department, I should be, being the next "senior" member in the department. Also, I'm the most outspoken, never one to back down on an issue I think is important, to sound sort of politicky for minute. I never really thought of it as a emotional experience - it's always been one of practicality and necessity. I never considered the emotional side of it.

But my colleague is right; I am the voice of aggression for my department. But it doesn't bother me. I consider it an honor to be the Bitch on behalf of my colleagues. :)

Another colleague remarked that she felt compelled to speak out during this particular meeting (rather than holding her peace) because she felt it was unfair that I was the one who did most of the fighting on behalf of our department. "You're saying the things we're all thinking, and fighting for all the things we want - but you're usually the only one doing it, even though we all agree. I felt it was time to back you up." Which I appreciate - sometimes I feel like I talk too much in these meetings, but as yet another co-worker told me once: these meetings seem to lose steam and shut down whenever I have to leave early. They don't get stuff accomplished because nobody talks. It's nice to know that I'm not actually talking too much, or monopolizing the conversation - apparently I'm just summing stuff up better and expressing it more appropriately, and my colleagues don't find it necessary to "me too" too often.

Before you think I'm getting a big head, consider: I'm shocked to hear these things, and to hear my co-workers applaud my efforts, which I thought were annoying them. No - they're telling me that they're glad I'm here to help, and that's always a nice feeling. Should I get my boss's job, I hope to be able to continue to support my co-workers. I genuinely do have their best (work) interests at heart.

[no words]

The Holy City still stands. What else can I say? She still stands, and is not overwhelmed like before. She still stands. She is safe, and we are safe, and I am eternally grateful to the Powers-That-Be, both of the world and not, that She is safe, and we are safe.

What else need I say? SHE STILL STANDS.