From the Beginning

There might have been things I missed, but don't be unkind
It don't mean I'm blind
Perhaps there's a thing or two I think of lying in bed
I shouldn't have said

But, there it is

You see, it's all clear
You were meant to be here from the beginning

Maybe I might have changed and not been so cruel
Not been such a fool
Whatever was done is done - I just can't recall
It doesn't matter at all

You see, it's all clear
You were meant to be here from the beginning

Emerson, Lake, & Palmer

Restless as hell today, unaccountably so. Been down for a day and half, in pain. Still down, to all extents and purposes, but I felt it inappropriate to stay home anymore. The compromise was to come in late today. I could have used another day on the couch, doing nothing, but responsibility is far more important to me. Accountability.

The Captain has a chance at a new, better job on campus, and the suspense is killing us. He needs and deserves this job; I need him to get this job. Things will be better for us, in so many ways, if he gets this job. Of course, there are no guarantees that he'll get the job, despite being the ideal candidate. But if he gets the job, we'll be that much closer to the life we've wanted for so long. Perhaps that's the source of the restlessness: the suspense, the desire to run away, just in case things don't play out how we want them to.

I seem to dream more, now that I use the sleep protocol I'm currently using to promote sleep, versus pills. I don't know how I feel about this dreaming more. The dreams seem more full of people I know or am related to than dreams in years past, and I certainly don't know how I feel about that, other than lonely - it makes me miss those people.

I've gotten rusty in the language of pain. I've gotten rusty in the language of the Road. I feel so far from Home. I feel like there is no secular salvation for me.

But this will all pass, it always does, in the face of an annihilating mania that burns off the bullshit and leaves behind the best things, the good things - even those things which others might not consider good. I've still a lot to learn...

Understand: these fires never stop...

I will hear: the promise of my Orpheus sing...