I begin to wonder...

I begin to wonder if I ever really knew myself. I always thought I did, and was proud of the degree of self-awareness I achieved before adulthood. I was and am still grateful that I'd awakened to wisdom before becoming an adult and that I was able to avoid mistakes and come to realizations that I have since become aware that most folks do not arrive at until they are middle-aged.

But in the last few years, I've come to doubt my self-awareness. I've come to doubt my self-knowledge. I have never doubted my wisdom; perhaps that is prideful, but lacking in common sense as I do, wisdom is my main recourse in most things, and has seldom led me wrong.

The husband and I had a terrible fight last night, terrible indeed. It's perhaps the worst we've ever had, in fact. And lately - in the last six months - we've fought A LOT. I wanted to attribute it to the on-going stress he was under while in school and his dissatisfaction with his current job, and then on top of that, Lu's death. But last night I realized it wasn't any of that at all, and I confronted him on so many things I'd just let go. I wish I'd realized sooner, and I wish it hadn't gone down like it did. But there's no sense in regret, and I have hope that things will improve. Things can only get better from here. We both realize that there are things we both need to work on about ourselves.

So the question is, since I've been out of practice so long (since I assumed I'd achieved remarkable self-awareness and wouldn't have to work on it for a while): how does one go about learning (re-learning?) about one's self? How does one reacquaint the self with the Self?

I know it won't be easy, and it shouldn't be. But right now, I'm at a loss as to how to start.