it's only you I think about

I have no biological children, only fur babies - four cats: twins Stewart and Lulu, Fran, and Hesh. We've had the twins for seven years, since they were kittens; Fran and Hesh were rescued from the same woman, about a year apart. Fran was nearly dead when we rescued her, and we didn't think she'd make it through the night. We were up with her all night, medicating, feeding, bathing, watching. We were rewarded with her survival. Hesh was rescued before the woman could do the damage to him that she'd done to Fran. The twins were adopted from our landlady, a woman who took good care of the them until they were old enough to be weaned.

These are our children. We are not likely to have children, and we've accepted that. We dote on the cats; they are our children. We spoil them, we love them, we pet them, we punish them, we nurse them, we clean up after them. They are the only children we are likely to ever have, and that's certainly okay with us.

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We know several people who have lost children. My parents lost their first child, a son named Greg, to SIDS. My aunt miscarried two babies. My husband's parents lost their first child, a son named Michael; he was stillborn. My best friend's sister was killed in a car wreck when she was 15. We have friends who lost their first son, a boy named Collin, to SIDS. I had a school friend lose her son, Montgomery, recently. My cousin H's brother and his wife lost their first child (which has made H understandably paranoid about her own child, born earlier this month). These people lost so much with the death of one child, and I can't imagine their grief...

...but I'm afraid I'm about to experience it. My cats are my children, and one of them, Lulu, is so very sick, perhaps in renal failure. She's gotten so sick so fast, gone down so fast, it's hard to understand. It's hard to understand why she got so sick, how she got so sick. We've wiped out our bank account and maxed out a credit card taking her to the vet and to an emergency animal clinic. And we took her back to the vet this morning; she's there now, having tests run. We are hoping for the best, but I'm a realist, and I'm afraid I'm expecting the worst.

It's true that cats can survive renal failure and live for many years afterward. It requires a special diet and managed care. I'd be willing to do that, just to have her well again. Just to have her a little while longer. She's my good girl. She is, to all extents and purposes, my daughter.

Losing any one of my cats will be like losing child. No: losing any one of my cats WILL BE losing a child. Some folks might scoff at that, but it's how I feel, and I won't apologize for it.

If the worst comes, my folks have said we can bury Lulu at the country house. I won't have her cremated and her ashes scattered. I want to know where she is, so I can visit her. She's my good girl, now and always.